Every week the OpenSignal app picks up thousands of new Wi-Fi names. Rather than leave them languishing in our servers, we thought we’d share and analyse some of our favourites for you.
1) !!!DEADLY VIRUS!!! – Miami, Florida
OH MY GOD. GET DOWN. HE’S GOT A VIRUS. See, this Wi-Fi name is clever because it plays upon the fact that a virus can be both digital and biological. This name fundamentally succeeds because it exploits the fear we feel at living in a world where governments cultivate both smallpox and stuxnet side-by-side. It’s also buttressed by a really pleasingly enthusiastic number of exclamation marks. From now on six is the new standard. Four just doesn’t feel like trying any more.
2) Hide Yo Kids Hide Yo Wifi – Detroit, Michigan
This is actually pretty good. I don’t even have to be nasty about this one – I can just be relaxed, smile appreciatively and pat myself on the back for a Friday well spent. This guy’s original, he’s funny, he’s referenced a popular meme. Frankly, I’d say he’s done pretty damn well. If anyone’s keeping score (which, let’s face it, I definitely am) I’d have to rate this Wi-Fi name pretty highly. Well done anonymous human on the outskirts of Detroit.
But… Wait. Where has that tiny voice of doubt come from? It is a rising whisper carried through my brain on a susurration of cynicism, scudding along my synapses until it roars into my inner ear, throwing my naivety and optimism off balance. What if this isn’t original? What if it’s just a tired re-telling of the same joke reposted online a thousand times? I sigh and query the Wi-Fi database. There are 797 Wi-Fi networks called ‘Hide Yo Kids Hide Yo Wifi’, of which this is the most recently named. Originality is a pre-modern conceit. I make another cup of tea.
3) “The Pantry ” – Santa Ana, California
Why is the pantry winking? Why is a pantry even being referenced? What on earth happened to the age of refrigeration? – These are all questions that a superficial trawl through the list of newly collected Wi-Fi names cannot answer. Like an Old Street Hercule Poirot, I must work entirely with the clues in front of me. Like a Shoreditch Colin Powell I must consider both the known knowns and the unknown knowns. And it is with the quiet-voiced confidence of a Hoxton Walter Cronkite that I now present the most plausible theory to you:
What we have stumbled upon is but one piece in a wider game. A game of flirtation and seduction – nuanced and influenced by the imprint of an antique sexual mores, enacted against the backdrop of an aristocratic domesticity. A game inspired by the excitement and tribulations shared with West Coast America through the medium of Julian Fellowes’ dark masterpiece Downtown Abbey. Meet me in the pantry, wink, announces the Wi-Fi name, and for one brief moment we are at Highclere – free of modern distractions, locked in an erotic game with the pantry at its epicentre.
Next Week: Daphne Du Maurier’s Rebecca as told through a series of Epson printer error messages.
4) No Free Internet 4 Chowz – Detroit, Michigan
Yeah, that sounds fair enough. Get your own damn internet Chowz! Or at the very least pay for it. Is that really so much to ask? As far as Wi-Fi name manifestos go, I’ve got to say that this one is considerably more relatable than noted classics e947g_Wifi or hotspot_guest13. You can defend e947g_Wifi as much as you like, but I’m just not convinced it strikes the right note with voters.
5) I’m Batman – San Jose, California
I grow tired of this. No, you’re not Batman. Besides, Batman would obviously have delegated Wi-Fi installation to Alfred who would quite clearly have called it something boring and non-revelatory like ‘Wayne Manor Wi-Fi’. However, I approve of this Wi-Fi name as it reminded me of this. Again, just to be clear to whoever named this Wi-Fi, you are not the Batman.