It’s Friday and it’s hot. While this might sound like the start of a scratchily written roman policier, it’s definitely not going to lead there. In fact, it’s not actually going to lead anywhere. Against the instruction of every style guide I’ve started this Friday’s blog post with a total non sequitur, a statement of fact that’s just going to sit here listlessly on the page. Still, as it’s Friday I’m going to energise myself enough to go hunting through our database of global Wi-Fi names to see if I can find anything unusual or particularly amusing. Today’s theme (for no reason except that Glastonbury has just been and gone and the papers are packed with substance chatter) is Wi-Fi names that mention drugs. So without further ado, here are some of our favourite Wi-Fi names detected in the last couple of weeks – all of which relate to some kind of illicit substance.
1) Pugs Not Drugs – Delaware
Well, isn’t that a delightful Wi-Fi name. What on Earth can it mean? I find it hard to believe that the owner is advocating the smoking (or intravenous injection) of dogs; as far as societal ills go I’d think that would be a far more serious problem than simple drug taking. I’m getting slightly concerned now that, as an Englishman, this is a major anti-drugs campaign in the States that I’m simply oblivious of. A bit like ‘a dog is for life, not just for Christmas’, but with drugs. And no Christmas. Anyway, my take-away is pug ownership good drug taking bad. A message I’m sure we can all appreciate.
2) We can smell your weed. :/ – Utah
Ah the slanty face, friend to the non-judgemental. I enjoy the total lack of a moral stance in this Wi-Fi name: a smiley face is an endorsement, a sad face a judgement, but a slanty face? What does a slanty face mean? Surely ‘we can smell your weed NO FACE AT ALL’ would have conveyed a similar level of ambiguity and pure factuality. The moral of this story is not to guess at the motives of Wi-Fi name creators, it’s a sure path to madness.
3+4) We do drugs – Virginia and We do drugs too – also from Virginia (THE WIFIS ARE TALKING – MY GOD THEY’RE SENTIENT)
Ok, they’re probably not sentient. It’s possible that I’ve overreacted. BUT this is the first example I’ve ever seen of Wi-Fi names directly communicating with each other (OH GOD, I’M PANICKING AGAIN – THEY’RE SENTIENT, THEY MUST BE, IT’S THE ONLY EXPLANATION THAT MAKES SENSE). Ok, ok, I’m calm again – it’s just a Wi-Fi conversation! These two Wi-Fi names come from within a street of each other in the same small town in Virginia, so there can be no doubt that one is meant as a reply to the other. I feel like Sir David Attenbrough when confronted with an unknown species, this is exactly that exciting. Anyway, it’s a pleasing bit of wireless banter. And just in case this is the rise of sentient routers – we should probably be pleased that our wireless overlords are concentrating on things other than immediate global conquest.
5) SexNoDrugsAndRockAndRoll – Massachusets
Sorry, but it’s not a negotiable package. It’s a set menu with no exchanges allowed. You don’t see Mick Jagger wander into the Great Café of Life and order Sex and Rock’n’Roll but ‘hold the Drugs’. No, absolutely not, it’s not cool and I won’t stand for it. This had better be a cunning rock star ruse (to what end? I’ve no idea – please refer to previous point about guessing of motives).