In honour of the fact that I got drunk in a park and told my girlfriend that I loved her when I actually meant to say ‘pass the pimms’, this edition of our favourite Wi-Fi names will be dedicated to the fickle summer goddess of Love. There is also a reasonable chance that the heat causes my fingers to stick to the keys resulting in a line of random letters but either way you’ll read it and you’ll enjoy it. Understood? As ever, these are real Wi-Fi hotspots spotted by the OpenSignal app over the past few months.
1) LOVE IS OBEDIENCE
Oh god, what a place to start. Who let Christian Grey have Wi-Fi admin privileges? Why would anyone want this as their Wi-Fi name? Here’s the thing about obedience, doesn’t it kind of remove the equivalence that should probably be present in all NON-ABUSIVE loving relationships? Hey, Wi-Fi owner, newsflash – you know when the Episcopal church removed ‘to obey’ from their wedding vows? Yep, that’s right – 1922. NINETEEN TWENTY-TWO.
How far we’ve come.
2) I love my cats meow meow
There are only two ways to read this. 1) What kind of Wi-Fi enabled freak cats is this person breeding? 2) We have a feline-on-human hostage situation underway (I am reliably informed that this is referred to by the FBI as a ‘code mew’). If you were a cat and wanted your hostage-human to tell their fellow non-hostage humans that everything is fine, wouldn’t you hold a claw to the jugular and say “type after me: I love my cats meow meow”? I would. Send help.
3) tell my WiFi love her
HEY. THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOO… I’m sorry, I temporarily thought I was in 2011 and reading a Buzzfeed list of Wi-Fi names that are also puns on the word Wi-Fi. Seriously though, get over it, no one finds these funny anymore.
Actually no, I’m tired of this. It’s really bloody hot in this armchair and guess what people I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. Stop broadcasting them over Wi-Fi, literally no one cares about your happiness or your instagram posts of Sunday morning brunch tagged with heart-shaped Emojis. I’LL CARVE HEARTS INTO YOUR GODDAMN EYES. Monogamous relationships are a historical accident – smash the system.
I don’t know where that came from, sorry guys, apparently I’m dealing with some things right now.
You know what you should love? Spellcheck. Potatoes shouldn’t rhyme with comatose. Show some bloody respect if you claim to love potatoes so much. I am now torn between making loads of jokes about our Irish CEO or bad puns based on chips, mash etc.
Instead I’m going to settle for neither.