Wi-Fi Names: Neighbourhood Watch

This week’s Wi-Fi name blogpost looks at the concerningly passive-aggressive world of public communication using your Wi-Fi  name (yeah, grow up people) and all I have to say is bloody hell, can’t we all just love one another? As ever, these are real Wi-Fi network names detected in the last few weeks by the OpenSignal app.

1) DoNotStealFromNeighbors

Man – preachy, or what? Stop dressing this up like the Wi-Fi version of a subtweet, man up and throw out a proper accusation. This time next week I want this Wi-Fi network to be called ‘HEY. 22B. RETURN MY GODDAMN COPY OF THE NEW YORK TIMES YOU STOLE FROM MY FRONT DOORSTEP ON TUESDAY’. Stop dressing it up like you’re wireless Moses, down from the Internet with a weirdly specific commandment that could relate to ‘oh just about anyone’.

2) We Can Hear You Having Sex

This is crazy popular. In the most recent thousand Wi-Fi networks that vaguely relate to this topic there are many variations. It’s also weirdly ambiguous – why are you letting these people know this in this way? Why don’t you know them well enough to just address it with actual normal mouth-words? The creepiest one is probably ‘We can hear you having sex :)’ – why is there a smiley there? Is it ‘oh, good for you, you have a healthy, if experimental, sex life as a loving couple and I endorse this thoroughly in the context of marriage – you go guys!’ or is it ‘boy am I aroused by the muffled noises that echo through the walls when I’m trying to sleep’.

Both options give me the creeps, pick none of the above.

3) My Neighbors Suck 5G

This is an interesting one. Was there previously a ‘My Neighbors Suck 2.4G’? Could this be ‘My Neighbors Suck MY 5G’ as though the internet is penetrating through their wall in a surprisingly violating outward expression of domestic dominance? Or is it simply, yes my neighbors suck and, yes, this network is 5G so get ready for the faster speeds that implies. Ironically, of course, 5Ghz as a frequency is less good at wall penetration than 2.4Ghz. Oh how we laugh – get it together homeowner.

4) ShutUpYourKids

Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children? Hopefully they’re the kind of socially occluded children who aren’t allowed access to Wi-Fi enabled devices (I’m still traumatised from not being allowed an N64 as a kid – you know when my dad finally bought me one? LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER THEY STOPPED MAKING GAMES FOR IT. The resentment burns). Look, children are noisy, and yes, we all agree they should probably be illegal but for now they aren’t so you’re going to have to deal with it. And parents, c’mon, books are over let your kids play candy crush and snapchat with strange older men. This is the FUTURE. Learn to live in it.

5) Terry n pals- neighborhood watch

Worst paul blart mall cop sequel ever. Listen Terry, you’re not the sherriff in this town, and no, you don’t have a posse. Stop legitimizing vigilantism. No one who walks past and spots this Wi-Fi thinks you’re a badass, they think you probably spend your nights in your mancave with your ‘pals’ dressed up as batman and watching reruns of NCIS.


This goes for your ‘pals’ too.


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